This silence has weight at times. Being there for other people takes it’s toll on fragile hearts. Not having someone to fall back on stretches and bends your soul to a breaking point. I remind myself that being the bigger man will pay it’s ends in the finale, but it’s hard to make ends meet until then. My heart longs to connect. My heart longs to find the vacant hand that mine fits perfectly in. My heart pleads with my mind “Don’t worry! Don’t worry! You’re doing so well!” but my mind retorts with “But for how much longer?” I just need someone that I know, beyond the shadows of my doubt, I can rely on them. Too much to ask? Probably. I do try my best to do this for others though.
Alas, Pity parties are awful parties to attend. They are normally only attended by pathetic individuals whom are accompanied by equally pathetic individuals with the same names and same insecurities. The only time I ever find tears thundering down my cheeks is when I’m alone, and that seems to be happening a lot as of lately. I’ll get over it, and I must because who knows how long until someone decides that they want to walk with me rather than just on the same sidewalk. The excitiment comes with knowing that each person that I pass on this street is a potential companion. The dissapointment comes when it’s not on my timing. The hope, which by Romans 5:3 says will NOT fail me, is that I know Jesus Christ is right there with me through it all- patting me on the back and comforting me as I take my next sloppy steps forward.
I should let you all know that this is okay. I do this about once every 4 or 5 months. I bottle up everything inside and do my best not to vent to anyone so they feel free to vent to me. We all know what happens with a container injected with pressure. Inch by inch the inards of the bottle wreek havoc on the lid’s integrity until it inevitablly blows up in a self-pity, over reactive, and quite simply over analytical fury. You’ll argue that it’s not healthy, but I’ll ask you if you believe that is true by our interaction. I’m a perfectly functioning and joyful individual, but sometimes I just need to vent, and venting to a bunch of people who don’t see me on a day to day basis is as safe as I feel I can be venting with compromising my vulnerability. So Tumblr, I’m sorry for this post, but it’s my coping mechanism. So thank you for being inatimate and such a good listener.